The Funniest Jokes

Have a laugh with this collection of funny jokes.

No Name

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it doesn't take crap off anybody!"

Map Reading

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked: "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered: "I guess you'd be eating alone!"

Communal Latrine

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. "Hmmm" says the bear to the squirrel, "Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?" "Yes it does!" replies the squirrel. "Great!" says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

In Court

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Giving up

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Hypothetically vs. Realistically

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically, so he asked his dad. His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000." He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes". "Well", said the dad, "go ask your sister the same question." He did and came back and said, "She said yes." And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing." He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!" And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!

Good Students

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class."

Why Women Love Cats?

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Raffle

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Chuck replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Chuck grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

No Change

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?" Nurse: "No change yet."

Married 25 Years

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

Demonstration

A teacher decided to do a visual demonstration in a class. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the class, the teacher reported the following results: "The first worm in alcohol - dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - alive." So the teacher asked the class: "What can you learn from this demonstration?" A little Jim in the back quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."

Dentist

Patient: "How much to have this tooth pulled?" Dentist: "$90.00." Patient: "$90.00 for just a few minutes work?!?!?" Dentist: "I can extract it very slowly if you like."

A Little Help

Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?" Patient: "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time." Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game!"

Never Married

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

Bumper Stickers

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Illiterate? Write For Help.
3. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.
4. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

For Sale

For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Feeding

A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm. She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, "Don't feed him worms! They'll make him sick!" They looked up at her puzzled and asked, "Was he sick yesterday?"

Don't Take Chances

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated. He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!"

Wife Knows Everything

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. (Got married last weekend, wife knows everything).

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny," He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

Last Day

Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter? Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month! What's so bad about that? You should celebrate the event! No, no, see, that was four weeks ago and today is the last day.

Dirty Pictures

After a sexual harassment incident at work, Frank is sent to a Psychiatrist for evaluation. The Doctor explains that he'll be showing Frank a series of inkblot images called Rorschach Inkblots. Doctor: "Now Frank as I reveal each image tell me the first thing that comes to mind OK?" Frank: "Sure, I got it." The doctor shows the first pattern. Doctor: "What do you see?" Frank: "A women with really big tits." Next image. Frank: "A man and a women screwing." Next image. Frank: "A women performing oral sex on a guy." The doctor puts down the images and says, "Frank you seem to have an obsession with sex." Frank: "Me?! Hell Doc, you're the one with all the dirty pictures."

Dear Dad

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad.

In Court

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Bathroom

Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our bathroom? Mom: No Jim, what made you ask? Baby Jim: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the bathroom and says: "Oh God! Are you still in there?!"

Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Condom Slogans

1. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
2. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
3. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
4. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
5. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
6. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
7. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
8. No glove, No love.
9. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

Just A Second

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny." So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure! Just a second."

One-Wish Genie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So, what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for. A good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

Glasses

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"

Baby Airplanes

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mom explain that to you."

Weather

As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang. The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, "Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau!" and hung up. "What was that all about?" wife asked. "Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!"

Job

Father: "Why don't you get yourself a job?" Son: "Why?" Father: "So you could earn some money." Son: "Why?" Father: "So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest." Son: "Why?" Father: "So that when you're old you can use the money in your bank account and you would never have to work again." Son: "I'm not working now."