Robert Strauss (on conducting):
Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them.
Bobcat Goldthwait:
Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
Zsa Zsa Gabor:
I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.
Rich Cook:
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
George Carlin:
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
Douglas Adams:
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
George Burns:
I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury.
Douglas Adams:
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.
Douglas Adams:
If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working.
Douglas Adams:
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Douglas Adams:
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams:
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams:
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams:
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Robert Frost:
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
Murphy's Law:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Murphy's Law:
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Murphy's Law:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Murphy's Law:
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Murphy's Law:
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
Murphy's Law:
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Murphy's Law:
After an instrument has been fully assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Murphy's Law:
Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Unknown:
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Unknown:
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving... Of course they'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
Winston Churchill:
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Unknown:
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Unknown:
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Unknown:
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Unknown:
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Ogden Nash:
You are young only once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Chinese Proverb:
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
Unknown:
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Unknown:
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
David Brent:
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Zig Ziglar:
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Timothy Leary:
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
A Cynics Guide to Life:
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
A Cynics Guide to Life:
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Unknown:
Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.
Unknown:
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
Unknown:
Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.
Katz's Law:
Men will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.